Angel of Darkness: The Parody
by Andrea Christoph
Summary: What does a kleptomaniac tomb raider, a klutzy Lux Veritatis warrior, and a pigtail wearing ladies man have in common? They star in this one and only Angel of Darkness parody, of course!
1. Scones

Summary: What does a kleptomaniac tomb raider, a clutzy actor obsessed Lux Veritatis warrior, and a pigtail wearing ladies man have in common? They star in this one and only Angel of Darkness parody, of course!  
  
Angel of Darkness: The Parody  
  
Chapter One: Scones  
  
OH!  
Werner went out a' walking one day  
Decided to see if Lara would come stay  
She was tricked by his plan  
He got the can  
And now she's got to pay  
  
Lara Croft strolled into the apartment of Werner Von Croy, only after he'd yelled "Come in!", and sat down in an armchair, which had previously been seat to a messily made jam sandwhich cut into the shape of a jackal head. Werner was at a desk, busying himself with a plate of butter and a scone.  
  
"Oh, I'll get you yet! After all, I am the world-famous adventurer Werner Von Croy, and you are just a scone! A scone!"  
  
"Achem."  
  
He whirled around and smiled sheepishly. "Sorry. Old habits. Tea?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
He grabbed the kettle and poured two cups of coffee, then wobbled over with his walking stick and sat down. Lara waited for him to hand her the drink, but he promptly drank his own and then hers. Sighing and licking his lips, he turned to her. "Who are you?"  
  
"Lara, Werner. Remember?"  
  
"Ah, yes. Lara...aren't you that stewardess I met back in 1968?"  
  
"No, that's when I was born. I was that little girl you trained in 1984, at Cambodia, when you broke your leg."  
  
"Leg? It's broke?" He stood, fell to the ground, pulled himself back up to his feet with the walking stick, and sat back down. "So it is! What are you here for...what did you say your name was?"  
  
Lara sat back and sighed. "I'm here because you called about something you needed help with. A man, a client that is, and I am Lara Croft."  
  
"Oh yes, sorry, you know me, old age and memory...well, Tara-"  
  
"Lara."  
  
"Lara, I need your help with a client. You see, he's a psychopath!"  
  
"So are you."  
  
Werner smiled, then sipped from his empty cup again. "Hmm, this tea is a little bland."  
  
"That's because there's nothing in the cup," Lara replied, crossing her arms. "Continue."  
  
"Well, I'm being stalked, people are dying out there! Surely you've heard of the Mockscrub?"  
  
"The Mockscrub? What does he have to do with this?"  
  
Werner leaned closer to Lara. "I think my client is- oh, please Lara, go see Old Marge Carvier, she can help," he said, shoving a large yellow business card into Lara's hand that read 'Carvier, Mechanic-4-Hire!'  
  
"I'm going," she said, but was caught by the wrist.  
  
"Lara, wait! I-"  
  
She turned and shoved him into a chair. "Egypt, Werner, remember?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"You walked away and left me!"  
  
"Get out! Get out of the way!" he cried, shoving her sideways. She was knocked against a wall, and fell to the ground, where she was hit on the head by a large book, 'Random Knockout'.  
  
When she awoke, the lights had gone out and a pair of glasses sat crumpled in front of her face. She picked them up and tucked them into her pocket (kleptomaniac that she was), then crawled forwards to Werner, who was on the ground in the fetal position. Gently, Lara lifted him into her arms and smacked his face a few times. Nothing. "Oh well," she mumbled, dropping him and wiping her hands on her pants. Suddenly she realized her hands were dirty.  
  
Eyes wide, Lara lifted her palms and stared at them. They had blood on them. She looked back down at Von Croy. He had a weird sort of smile on his face, and his whole back was cut in the shape of a banana. Blood seeped over the edges of the skin.  
  
"Ew!" Lara exclaimed, jumping to her feet and running for the door. She got down the stairs, after quite a bit of stumbling, and burst out through the front door.  
  
"So...do you feel like getting a donut?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Hey, wait a second..."  
  
The two police officers that were casually walking by the Chantelle building stopped and stared at the blood on Lara's pants. She froze and smiled.  
  
One gendarme strolled around her, then kneeled and looked at the jeans. After a moment, he stood up and put a hand on her shoulder. Lara gritted her teeth; this was it, she'd be going to jail now!  
  
"You should get that ketchup off your pants before it stains!" the officer exclaimed, smiling. He and his partner took off down the road and to their car. She raised an eyebrow, grinned, and turned the other way. A rotweiller was staring at her face to face.  
  
"Oh...crap."  
  
After vaulting a few steps, running through a few buildings, and pausing to eat a steak, she reached a window. The dogs chased after her, and stopped a few paces behind. Lara slowly turned, then smiled, blew them a kiss, and dived through the window. One jumped forwards and caught her backpack in it's muzzle. Lara hit the ground, forwards rolled, and came to stop in a kneeling stance with a bottle in her hand.  
  
"Lucozade. Keep the energy up!" she exclaimed, holding it out in front of her and shooting a bright movie star smile.  
  
Tucking the bottle back into her coat, and shooting the dog a nasty glare, she continued walking, seemingly out of danger for the moment... 


	2. How To Use A Door

Chapter Two: How To Use A Door  
  
The police helicopter pilot leaned left, sending the copter spiraling. He, and the other occupants, laughed with glee, then spun it the other way. Suddenly, the searchlight mounted on the front caught sight of a woman sliding across a wire. They watched as she slithered along, then hopped off and onto the roof of a building.  
  
"You, stop!" one cried into a bullhorn, while another occupant loaded his gun and started to fire at her. She slid down a rooftop and left their sight.  
  
Lara hurried through the doors and into a large room. Across the expanse was another ladder and a door up above. She grinned and ran, then jumped. Falling short a few feet, she hit the ground with an oof.  
  
"Hm...I'm not strong enough yet." She looked around, spotted a box, and, using her index finger, pushed it a few millimeters. "There, now I can make that gap!"  
  
After crawling the ladder and emerging on a roof, she saw the helicopter do a barrell roll into view. Through the bullhorn she could hear random squeals of 'whee!' and 'yahoo!'. A pipe across the alley leaked a bit of water. Lara looked back at the helicopter, smiled, and ran across the roof. At the last second she leaped and did a spiral twirl through the air before grabbing on to the pipe. It collapsed, and Lara fell, screaming the whole way down.  
  
Thankfully, her fall was broken by a large mound of compost. After brushing most of it off her clothes, she headed to the address Werner had given her.  
  
*~*~*  
  
'Carvier's Garage' was usually open twenty-four-seven, but as of late there was a really big job down at the museum, fixing machines and such. The whole mechanic's place had been shut down so that their time could be devoted solely to the museum.  
  
Lara pressed a finger to the buzzer and waited for the answer.  
  
"Whaddya want?"  
  
"Marge Cavier? It's Lara Croft. Werner Von Croy sent me."  
  
A few seconds of silence passed, and then the door opened. "Hurry up, the rats are getting in."  
  
*~*~*  
  
Old Marge Carvier wasn't what one would expect. When thinking of her you'd probably get visuals of an obese woman in coveralls, with a monkey wrench in hand and a piece of straw sticking from the side of her mouth. Well, Marge Cavier was pretty much the opposite.  
  
When Lara got to the door, it was opened and she met someone reminiscent of a grandmother. She wore a business suit, gloves, and large stillettos. Her hair was back in a tight bun, with a screwdriver through it.  
  
"Get in," she snapped at Lara, pulling her by the arm. After slamming the door and stepping on any rats that entered, she crossed the room and kneeled back down beside the truck that was in the center. Lara sat down in a wooden chair, the only visible piece of furniture. Carvier laid down under the truck and began tinkering again.  
  
"So, how is old Werner?"  
  
"He's dead."  
  
Carvier looked at Lara from under the truck. "Dead? How? Monkeywrench."  
  
Lara passed her the tool, then sat down on the ground beside her. "We argued, and then there was gunfire. That's all I remember. Oh, and a trail of jellybeans leading to the bathroom."  
  
"Gunfire?! Did you kill-" Her sentence was cut off as a stream of oil gushed out of the truck's bottom. "Ahh! Hand me that rag, quick!"  
  
Lara handed it to her, and when the patch was made, Carvier came back out from under the truck and adjusted her skirt, then glared at Lara. "Did you kill him?"  
  
"No! If I'd wanted to kill him, I could have done it in Egypt!"  
  
"I probably should have mentioned this, but Werner left something for you. Now, you better leave, Ms. Croft. The police will be here any minute."  
  
Lara's eyes widened. "You called the police?! Wait, he left something for me?"  
  
"Yes, but-"  
  
Lara put out a hand. "Hand it over."  
  
"But-"  
  
"Uh, uh, no buts. Hand it over."  
  
Carvier sighed and slammed something into Lara's hand. Her wrist buckled from the weight and she fell to the floor beside it. After a bit of grunting, she pulled her palm out from under it.  
  
"This is a collection of index cards Werner was going to use in his speech to the board of directors of the Louvre next month. You know him, he has the worst memory."  
  
"Ah...ha..." Lara picked up the stack of index cards in her arms and shoved them into her pocket. Her body tilted to the right under the weight. Carvier stood and lifted the hood of her truck.  
  
"As I said, the police are here."  
  
Sure enough, sirens blared outside. Lara's eyes widened, she looked out the window, snatched a wine bottle, fork and diamond ring off the counter, then dove out through the glass and hit the ground below. Carvier strolled over, leaned out the open window, and called, "You could have used the door!"  
  
*~*~*  
  
"She alive?"  
  
Lara opened her eyes and rolled onto her back, only to see a large poster for S.W.A.T. She screamed, then realized she was in a subway car.  
  
And a hobo was poking her with a hotdog stick.  
  
"She's alive," he confirmed to his friend. The other hobo grinned a gap toothed smile and nodded, then fell into one of the chairs and fell asleep. His friend shrugged, then walked back outside and to a small fire fueled by a huge pile of wood. She went outside with him.  
  
"Nice day, isn't it?" she said to him. He shrugged again, shoved the dog that was with him onto the stick, and thrust it in the fire. After a few minutes, he pulled it back out and took a large bite out of it's leg.  
  
"Mmm...extra crispy. You want some?"  
  
"Er, no."  
  
"Got any spare change? I'd love a coffee."  
  
"Got any information? I need to find a man called Leotard. You heard of him?"  
  
The hobo put his stick up to her face in a defensive stance, then pulled it back and took a bite. "Nope."  
  
"But-"  
  
"Go away, I never heard of him. Now, how about that spare change?"  
  
She grinned and tossed him a few coins and bills, then took off for some stairs. He gathered it all up, then groaned.  
  
"Aw man, 100 Canadian dollars! The only thing I can buy with this is toe nail clippers!"  
  
*~*~*  
  
"City guides in Paris are so under-appreciated. I mean, they think we're crazy, ain't that right, Squaky?"  
  
Lara watched the young man sit down on the ground, scratch his head with his leg, then stand up and have a conversation with his invisible thing again. She cleared her throat loudly. "Excuse me-"  
  
"You have a question about Paris? I've got an answer. With over two hundred hotels and fifty shopping markets, we are the-"  
  
"I'm looking for a man named Louis Leotard. Heard of him?"  
  
The man turned to his shoulder and asked the air, "Heard of Louis Leotard? No? Okay, I tell her." He turned back to Lara. "I've never heard of him, and neither has Squaky here."  
  
"Is Squaky your bird?"  
  
He looked at her with wide eyes, sat down and scratched his head again, then stood up and laughed. "No, silly, Squaky is my tiger!"  
  
"Okay...well, do you know where I can find information about Leotard?"  
  
"Try Cafe Petro," he said with a grin. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go. Nature calls."  
  
Lara was already gone.  
  
*~*~*  
  
'That man was creepy,' she thought, edging around the wall away from him, only to bump into another person. She whipped around and smiled warmly at the prostitute standing there.  
  
"I'm looking for Louis Leotard."  
  
"Aren't we all? He hasn't been 'round here since the club closed."  
  
"Club?"  
  
"Le Chien Brun. His employee's were getting killed."  
  
"Really?" Lara asked. "By who?"  
  
"The Mockscrub, they say. Only two men left."  
  
"And who would that be?"  
  
The prostitute took a drag on the cigarrette she held, then blew the smoke in Lara's direction. "Phil and Ted."  
  
"What can you tell me about Phil and Ted?"  
  
"Well, Phil is a crazy man. He has attention deficit disorder, you see? Hard to get anything out of him. He own Cafe Petro down the street."  
  
"And Ted?"  
  
"Well, Ted is a mean old devil. He owns a hotdog stand up in the park, but don't buy anything from him; it's all made from pigeon meat."  
  
Lara grimaced. "Wonderful. I didn't catch your name."  
  
"It's Champagne. $2.00 an hour!"  
  
"Er...no thanks. Bye then," Lara said, crossing the street. "I'm Lara!" she called back.  
  
"Welcome to Paris!" Champagne called before hopping into a car that had stopped.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Cafe Petro. Largest gas station in the ghetto, it housed two pumps and a little restaraunt inside. The owner, Phil, had ADD, so most people tended to stay away from him, especially since he'd released a new book, 'ADD For Dummy's!'.  
  
Lara passed the pumps, hopped a car that was there, kicked a chicken out of the way, and entered. Inside, a man bustled back and forth behind a counter, taking orders and generally just running back and forth. Another man, a customer this time, was in the corner sleeping, a copy of Entertainment Weekly on his face.  
  
She approached the counter and picked up a copy of the book that lay there, 'ADD For Dummy's', with a pricetag for $30.00 on the front. She flipped it open and read a few passages, when the book was snatched out of her hands.  
  
"So, you like my book? You ever read it? I haven't." Phil grinned and tossed it behind him. "You want a coffee? I like chicken. The sky is blue! I took gymnastics for four years. That man has a gun." A bag blew across the room, and he hopped the counter to chase it. "Paper bag, paper bag, paper bag, paper bag, paper bag, paper bag, paper bag, paper bag, paper bag..."  
  
"I'm looking for information on Louis Leotard."  
  
He froze and turned to her. "That's dangerous information!" he yelled. Lara shooshed him.  
  
"I'm a dangerous girl, and right now I'm loosing patience."  
  
"Well...hey, fires are burning in Canada! There's a war going on? My favorite color is green." The bag reversed direction. "Paper bag, paper bag, paper bag, paper bag, paper bag...."  
  
"Hey, information!"  
  
"Oh, yeah. Well, everyone wants something for nothing."  
  
"It needn't be for nothing. We could trade."  
  
"A trade? Heehee, barbies! Sand is hot. My teddy's name is Bob."  
  
"Yes. Is there anything you want? Any loose ends need tidying up?"  
  
"Well, there's this...thing."  
  
"Really?"  
  
He leaned on the counter and tapped his fingers. "A bottle of pills I forgot when I left Le Chien Brun. Get those pills for me, and I'll tell you where Louis Leotard is."  
  
"Pills?"  
  
"For my attention deficit dis-...paper bag, paper bag, paper bag, paper bag..."  
  
"Why did you forget your pills? There obviously very important."  
  
"Leotard hid them. Said I was more entertaining the way I was....paper bag, paper bag, paper bag..."  
  
Lara snatched the bag and lit it on fire, then let it burn slowly on the yellowed-tile counter. "Okay then, I'll get your pills. Where are they?"  
  
"In the stagelight. The one that is all wonky and shoots red rays at people. I like pigeons!"  
  
"Okay, I can work with that..."  
  
Phil scratched his face, then patted his head and rubbed his tummy at the same time, then sat down. "Go visit Ralph Fiennes on the corner, he can get you guns." Phil grinned, turned in a circle three times, then ran over and sat beside the patron. "Do you like eggs benedict? I make a mean eggs benedict."  
  
Lara walked back over to the door, but paused when the patron, a man with dark brown hair and a frisbee hanging from his belt, held up his magazine and let her see the cover. 'Ten most wanted celebrities'. Her face was on it.  
  
She snatched a salt shaker, then left as quick as she came.  
  
*~*~*  
  
"Are you open for business?"  
  
"You got in, didn't you? Lets see some I.D., do you work for the government?"  
  
Lara shut the door to the pawnshop and showed the man her identification, then leaned on the counter and pulled out her diamond ring, wine bottle, broken spectacles, fork and salt shaker. "How much for these?"  
  
Ralph was a jumpy man, who sat on the counter with his legs crossed, silk green pillow under his posterior, wearing a tinfoil cap on his head. He also had clothe's hangers all about the back of the store. Lara asked him what they were for as he was appraising her goods.  
  
"The government...they're always trying to take over my mind. Gotta keep the rays out, gotta keep the rays out...you need a cap!" He rumaged in a box beside himself and handed her a tinfoil cap with little antenna sticking up. She slipped it on sheepishly and prayed that nobody enter the shop.  
  
"Okay, I'll give you ten euros for the ring, fifteen for the wine bottle, twenty for the salt shaker, fifty for the fork, and...three hundred for the glasses."  
  
"Why so much?"  
  
"Good metal...keeps out the rays..." He slid the money across to her, then twisted the spectacles and stabbed them into the top of his cap. He shot Lara a happy grin. "So, need anything else?"  
  
"Guns. Maps. A crowbar..." She pulled a list out of her pocket. "A bottle of milk, two eggs, and a duffel bag filled with confetti."  
  
*~*~*  
  
Le Chien Brun was crawling with guards. Lara was able to get into the side door, though getting past the guards was another matter. Her most succesful technique was walking past while they were asleep (which was pretty much constantly).  
  
She emerged into a large hall, filled with boxes. A bar lay in one corner, and doors were scattered all around. After collecting some bullets, a chocolate bar, and the covers off the stove, Lara flicked a switch by the DJ desk, and a record sprung to life. She ran up the stairs as strains of 'I'm Too Sexy' floated around the hall.  
  
After alot of jumping and falling, she found the stage lights. One of them in particular was sniping the sleeping guards on the ground with red rays. Using the controls in the booth, she was able to get it to come to her. Inside lay a bottle of pills and a dwarf sitting on a stool, controlling the rays.  
  
"Oh! Sorry."  
  
She shut the little door, then ran for the exit. 


	3. Hershey's Machines

Chapter 3: Hershey's Machines  
  
The man from Cafe Petro was outside when Lara exited the club. He grinned and hopped on his scooter. After revving the tiny engine a few times, he sped off slowly at 5 km/h. Lara waited five minutes as he faded off into the distance.  
  
Champagne was back on the street corner. She grinned at Lara as she passed. "Welcome to Paris!"  
  
"Uh, yeah. Hi."  
  
"Welcome to-"  
  
Lara ran up the steps to the Cafe, plugging her ears. "Why won't you people just leave me alone?!"  
  
*~*~*  
  
Phil had abandoned heckling his customers, and was now sitting on a table, peeling potatoes. "Hello! Get my pills? Didja', didja', huh, huh, huh?"  
  
"Yes, yes! Keep your voice down, and take one, for god's sake," Lara exclaimed, shoving the bottle into his hands. He slipped two into his mouth, downed a glass of water, then collapsed on the table. Lara smacked him a few times to wake him up.  
  
"Oh, yes, you wanted information about Leotard," he said as he woke up. She noticed that he had a more...calm air about him. "Well, you'll have to go to my ex-girlfriend, Francesca. She's Leotard's sister. Here's the code to her gate, and kick her in the shins while your there."  
  
Taking the paper in her free hand, Lara smiled, then left the cafe once again. Down the street, a large gate lay shut, five dobermans behind it. After keying in the code, Lara held up her gun and waited for the dogs to attack. But instead of attacking, they followed a female doberman that had decided to stroll past at the moment. Smiling, Lara ducked inside.  
  
Upstairs Francesca was waiting in her apartment. She turned to Lara. "You'll have to go down the ledges, down the pipes. Watch out for the crumbling stone. There's a masoleum that'll get you down to Leotard."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"Welcome to-"  
  
"AH, SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!" Lara cried, covering her ears and running for the door.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Down in the masoleum, Leotard was sitting in a large orange fuzzy chair, watcing the Tweenies on an old TV. Lara sat down beside him.  
  
"Hello Leotard. What happened to your man back there?"  
  
"To Ahnald? He had a run in with some machines."  
  
"Really? What type of machines?"  
  
"Hershey chocolate bar makers."  
  
Lara nodded. "Well, that would explain the melted body and delightful chocolatey smell..."  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
"Information about a dead friend of mine. Werner Von Croy."  
  
"Ah yes. Came to me about a week ago, wanted to take a coachload of Japanese tourists to see the Mona Lisa. I gave him the number of a really great bus service-"  
  
"Easy, Leotard. I lost that friend yesterday."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yes. And now I'm wanted for his murder."  
  
"How much would you know about the Mockscrub?"  
  
"Why would the Mockscrub interest you?"  
  
"You'd be surprised-" He paused to cough a bit, then take a drink of water. "You'd be surprised how much the Mockscrub interests me."  
  
"Well, I know nothing about the Mockscrub. I just want some hardware. Guns, explosives, papers, a new dvd player, a cellphone, one of those newfangled PS2's..."  
  
"Well, we need all the hardware we can get right now, with all the employee's I'm loosing. Perhaps if you went to see Ralph Fiennes at the pawnbrokers shop, I could convince him to give you some of what you need."  
  
"How?"  
  
"Well, if you could deliver some packages for me-"  
  
"Packages! What kind of packages?"  
  
"Just some metal caps I had made for him. Nothing to dirty your hands with."  
  
Lara eyed him warily. "And he'd give me my hardware if I delivered your...caps?"  
  
"Or answer to me, he would."  
  
She pondered, then nodded. "Alright, where are these caps?"  
  
*~*~*  
  
After lugging the caps up stairs and down streets in a burlap sack, she finally reached the pawnshop once again. Her shaky hand opened the door, and she was immediately shoved aside by an elderly man with pigtails in his hair. She glared, then went inside and dropped the caps on the counter.  
  
Everything was thrown about, with only the hanger's still in order. The counter had been completely torn away, so Lara strolled through the gap and into the backroom. It was a kleptomaniac's paradise. Her mouth hung open, her eyes were wide, and she laughed, shoving as many mini umbrella's and candycanes as she could into her pockets.  
  
Then she spotted Ralph on the floor, eyes wide open, his cap's antenna poking through his chest from the back. On the wall was a large circle, with a three lines in the middle, forming a peace sign. She gasped: the Mockscrub's calling card!  
  
Instead of dallying any longer, Lara grabbed a backpack off a chair and opened the safe with a hard kick, then shoved everything inside into the bag. She had spotted the bomb amidst a pile of caps. When she lifted the last map, the door to the safe sealed and the bomb started ticking loudly. Lara swore, pushed the door back open, lifted up a grate, hopped into the tunnel below, and ran for her life as the fires started around her.  
  
*~*~*  
  
The lighter snapped open, and an orange flame burned the piece of wheat sticking out of the mans mouth. He grinned and blew out what little smoke the piece of straw made (Smoking kills! Oh no, we wouldn't want that! Straw much safer...).  
  
Suddenly, across the river Seine, a woman came running out of a tunnel and leaped into the air. Somwhere in the distance, Great Balls of Fire started playing, a boy blew a bubble, and a fish ate a piece of corn.  
  
She landed on a boat and rolled around, then threw off her jacket into the water. When she looked up, the man across the river was frantically trying to put out the piece of straw. After throwing it into the water, he caught his breath, smiled, and casually walked off to the side. Lara watched as he tripped over an upturned plank, hopped on one foot off balance, stepped on a board that sprang up and smacked his face, stumbled back and stepped on another board that sprang up and hit his back, and then fell off the dock into the water. Grinning, she sprinted off. 


	4. Cabal! Cabal! Cabal! Can Anyone Say 'Ca...

A/N- Thanks for the reviews. By the by, I also have the next chapters written (up to about chapter eleven), so I don't need suggestions. But thanks anyway. Btw, I'm a MAJOR Joachim Karel fan...  
  
Filia: Oh, thank you! Always wonderful to see a Slayer here...did you know that I attended a local Animethon dressed as Xelas? Hehe, no one knew who I was for the cosplay...  
  
The Silent Slayer: Well, you get your wish- here's the Cabal! But it's not 'Eckhardt'...Hehe.  
  
Numair's Dane: Oh, I'll finish it, you can count on it. Btw, I love your fic...so how the bloody &@^# did you get 48 reviews?! I want that many...*sigh*  
  
Marie: Count on more.  
  
Lara: ...no comment....  
  
Loki54: Bear with me! We're almost to Kurtis! And, in advance, I'd like to say I have nothing against Queen Latifah at all, she's brilliant...(the thing that'll get your brain in a rut later is, which chapter does she appear in? lol)  
  
Blakkmollie: Fans! Yay! *hugs* It'll keep going...on and on....lalala...  
  
Any of you who know of the Louvre will see the joke in it's new name! *falls over laughing*  
  
Chapter Four: Cabal! Cabal! Cabal! Can Anyone Say 'Canal'?  
  
"As you all know, we already posses three of the Inaspicious Paintings. One of Kristina in a bikini-"  
  
The Cabal shuddered, with an indignant gasp from Kristina Boeing.  
  
"One of Grant running the olympic one hundred meter dash in biker shorts-"  
  
Another shudder was passed through the room, with Mule sweating profusely at the memory, then blushing as his image appeared on the large plasma screen on the wall.  
  
"And one of Joachim at a club dancing disco."  
  
No shudders were emitted. They all knew better than to cross Joachim Corral, Prague lawyer and right hand man of Pieter Van Eckheart.  
  
"Our contact, Proffessor Werner Von Croy, had located the fourth one in Paris. After we collect all the paintings, we will awaken the sleeper. Hopefully, we will be far more successful this time. I mean, I don't even know -what- that was that we made last time! It was like some sort of...hippo...or chicken thing."  
  
Eckheart straightened and cleared his throat. "Blunderson!" A soldier at the side of the room, who was playing go fish with one of his men, stood up and hurried over to him.  
  
"Master Eckheart."  
  
"Dispatch your team to the Loove."  
  
"Immediately."  
  
Eckheart placed his gloved hand on Blunderson's shoulder, and a purple glow surrounded it. Blunderson sighed and batted his eyelashes at Eckheart, then hurried off to do his bidding; the glove had a special power to ensnare people into loving him, hence the name 'Eckheart'.  
  
"I really should get that glow fixed, it looks dangerous..." he mumbled, rubbing his hand and walking out of the room. The Cabal members looked at each other, and then Joachim leaned forward and grinned.  
  
"Anyone for a game of duck-duck-goose?"  
  
*~*~*  
  
Flippers broke the surface of the water, and then Lara dragged herself up onto the edge and spat out most of the seaweed in her mouth. After catching her breath, she stood up and padded out of the water.  
  
She had just emerged from the storm drains of the Loove (and by drains, we mean drains!), into a main gallery that sported sea life from the past 2000 years. She slipped off the scuba gear, hid it in the mouth of a great white shark that hung from the wall, then ran off into the gallery.  
  
Further on, she snapped twenty guards necks, slid through laser grids, and used a slip-n-slide to get to the office that Old Marge Carvier had been given while she was working on the machines. A keycard inside allowed her access to the dig site down below. She snapped a few more necks, then moonwalked through the door to the dig.  
  
The dig site was huge, at least five stories high, and she spotted her goal right away; a small circle shaped thingy where you had to pull a thingy and some thingies would spin...yes, that was it. She crawled over the scaffolding to it and reached into her pocket.  
  
After rummaging through the cue-cards a few minutes more, she found one with a diagram of the door on it. It told her to spin the door until she ended up with four thousand dollars. She pulled on it, clapped a few minutes for effect, and was able to land a one thousand for the first two spaces. She pulled it again, and landed two more thousands. The circle thingy stopped spinning, and she could hear the real door up above, opening. Instantly, strains of the Wheel of Fortune theme floated out of it's expanse.  
  
Lara looked down the pit, swallowed deeply, plugged her nose, and hopped in.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Down below, five skeleton's were sitting at a table, deeply immersed in a game of Trivial Pursuit. Lara snuck right by them and down a tunnel, until she reached a large hall. Five more skeletons were in a game of Parchessi. She didn't see them on the way in, and accidentally bumped their game.  
  
"Oh, sorry!" she said, secretly pocketing one of the pieces. The warriors glared, snarled, stood up and held their weapons high, and cried out loudly. She backed away, only to bump into another table. The warriors pointed to it.  
  
"You, play!"  
  
"Well, I really must be going, but-"  
  
"You, play!" one screamed at her, cobwebs flying out of it's mouth.  
  
"Okay, okay. Say it, don't spray it, why don'tcha?"  
  
Lara grabbed a pool cue and broke the triangle of balls. She noticed quickly that four of them were actually gems, so she strove to keep them out of the pockets. The skeletons placed bets, cheered, and booed as she played on, and when only the four gems were left, Lara swung her pool cue, hitting each of the five skeletons head's off.  
  
While they stumbled around searching for their missing craniums, she snatched the gems off the table and slid them into four slots on the wall. The floor instantly turned to sand, and a large head in the shape of a tiger rose from it.  
  
"Who dares to disturb the cave of wonders?"  
  
Lara walked forwards. "Um, wrong category. You want 'Aladdin'."  
  
The tiger stared at her blankly, then blinked. "Oh, thanks." He dissapeared into the floor again, and a staircase appeared in the wall where he had been. Lara grinned, kicked each of the skeletons for good measure, grabbed the eight ball from the pool table and pocketed it, then ran up the stairs.  
  
*~*~*  
  
In the tomb above, the walls were made of skulls. Six statues surrounded the stone coffin in the center, each holding a blank square. Lara passed them and went up to the coffin.  
  
"Through the spirit of the keeper behold the truth...hmm..." She finished reading the coffin's inscription, then clasped her hands behind her back, put on her most innocent expression, and called, "Oh keeper! Keeper!"  
  
"Oi, who's that?" called a voice. Suddenly a man appeared in front of Lara. He was dressed like a monk, with a bald head and a thrown back hood. He was a little obese, and Lara knew why, judging from the pint in his hand. He hiccupped, then scratched his head. "Who're you!"  
  
"I'm Lara. I was wondering if I could take the painting your guarding?"  
  
"No, course not!" he exclaimed. She sighed. 'Oh well, it was worth a try,' she thought. But the man just laughed. "You can have it! Here, my gift to you!" He hiccupped again, then collapsed on the coffin. A blue glow appeared in his hand, and she removed the painting from it. Instantly a loud chorus of voices started to sing, and the monk sat back up. "Shut up, ya wankers!" The music halted.  
  
"Well, I'll just be...going, then..."  
  
"Right, have a nice day!" He hiccuped once more, then fell to the floor, rolled down the steps, and started to snore loudly. She backed away slowly as he dissapeared. 


	5. Klutzy Warriors Shouldn't Run With Sharp...

A/N- Yay, Kurtis! And, of course, some Karel...and alot of humorous things. My Paper Bag trend is catching on! Well, if any of you has seen Clone High, you'll recognize it as the Tom Green bit...er, nevermind...  
  
I love, I love you! Now, tell me how great I am! How powerful I am! 1001 uses for chocolate and Kurtis! Er...yeah...  
  
Chapter Five: Klutzy Warrior's Shouldn't Run With Sharp Objects  
  
Tossing the painting up in the air and catching it again, Lara whistled a happy tune as she strolled through the halls of the Loove. The whole painting business was relatively easy, considering the 'keeper' wasn't all he was cracked up to be. She'd had this image of a large, foreboding monster. What she'd gotten was Robin Hood's Friar Tuck.  
  
She paused in a room for no apparent reason and slid the painting into her backpack. Suddenly, a glowing frisbee came flying through the air, straight at Lara's paused figure. But before it could knock her unconcious, she bent over.  
  
"Ooo, penny!"  
  
The man from the river, who had been sneaking up behind her, was smacked in the face with his frisbee. He stumbled back, hit the wall, was hit on the head with a large vase, and fell to the ground. Lara straightened up again with her penny as he got to his feet and pressed a gun to her neck.  
  
She froze, her hand out in front and the other holding her pistol at her side. Slowly, the man slid his hand down her hip, caught a piece of metal that was sticking out of her gun with his finger, swore, then removed the pistol from her grasp. He crossed over her bared abdomen and took out the other pistol, let it go, and cursed again as it hit his foot. The painting was next to go, and that made her angry. She suddenly turned and had the gun pressed to her neck.  
  
Realization hit her; this was the man from the Cafe, the man that she'd passed on the scooter, and the man that had fallen into the river! Her amazed expression turned to a glare, but he leaned forward, as if to kiss her. Lara froze, then suppressed a smile as he hit his forehead on hers and swore a third time.  
  
He stepped away, gun trained on her at all times. His wrist flicked, and the frisbee rose into the air and whacked him in the face again. He caught it, slid it onto his belt, then turned and ran. Lara followed, and was spotted by Blunderson, who tried to run after her but hit a glass cabinet instead.  
  
Lara ran after the painting-stealer, sprinting as fast as she could. Her eyes widened when, with a mere wave, the doors to another room flew off their hinges, and she laughed quietly as he ran straight into one. Again he was up before she could catch him, and threw his frisbee at the ropes to a large plate. Lara rolled under the frisbee, watched as he was hit in the face again, and tried to stand but was met face to face with the item. He smirked, backed through the gap the rolling plate was closing, and cried out as it rolled over his foot. After a second of struggling, he pulled it out and ran off. Lara followed, and was almost caught by a soldier, but he was crushed by the plate.  
  
Blunderson, on the other side, smashed a fist into the plate in anger, then danced on one foot and waved his hand in pain. "Ow, ow ow ow..."  
  
Lara spotted the man up ahead. He turned to see if she was following, didn't see the railing, and toppled off the side. Her eyes widened, and she grimaced as she heard the bang of his body hitting the floor. Reaching the edge, she saw him down below rubbing his head. She took the stairs five at a time, stumbling all the way down until she reached the ground floor. He took off down a hall.  
  
Lara sprinted, thinking she wouldn't catch him, but saw him laying on the, unconcious. She kneeled and put a hand to his head, thinking 'I'm not surprised', and was hit herself. She fell with an 'oof' and sighed as she blacked out.  
  
The soldier who had knocked them both out warped into the image of a black man. He walked around both immobile figures, then did a touchdown dance, moonwalked, and continued on his way, humming, 'Can't Touch This'.  
  
*~*~*  
  
"You okay?"  
  
Lara groaned and opened her eyes. Leotard stood over her, waving a hand in the air over her face. Lara sat up and snatched the kitchen knife off the ground.  
  
"You okay, Croft?" Leotard repeated.  
  
"I'm fine, Louis. What are you doing here?"  
  
"Filming a documentary on the response rate of the police. You?"  
  
"Getting something...I...need a ride."  
  
"Here, we can go in my car." He helped her to the small vehicle and hopped in. The driver got the directions to the Chantelle building, and quickly sped off. It was minutes before he returned, with many apologies for leaving Lara behind.  
  
Once they were in the car, Leotard leaned over to Lara and put a hand on her knee. "You sure you wouldn't like to come back to my place? You could get rested up, hehe."  
  
"No thank you. I have to go to my friends apartment...there's something I need to check."  
  
"What?"  
  
"A cake he was baking when I left," she replied. Suddenly his phone rang, playing the tune 'Gangsters Paradise'. He grinned sheepishly and flicked open the cell.  
  
"Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes....no, wait, no. Ah...not yet. Okay. Bye."  
  
"What was that?" Lara asked as he hung up.  
  
"Just my wife calling about the groceries. Nothing important." The car pulled to a stop outside of the apartment building, and Lara stepped out.  
  
"Thanks for the ride, but I need to go in alone, Leotard."  
  
"Fine, fine, I wait here."  
  
"Great. Bye then." She strolled off into the darkness. Once she was totally gone, Leotard popped open his cell again and re-dialed.  
  
"She's in. You can send in 'The Bather'."  
  
*~*~*  
  
The police tape fluttered in the breeze from the ceiling fans. Lara ripped it off and threw open the door. Inside the apartment it was musty, with the smell of blood assaulting her. She scrunched up her nose and walked inside.  
  
Across the room, the same blood peace sign was on the wall. Lara glared at it, then crossed to the mirror. Looking in it, she was hit with a flashback. "Ow!"  
  
Von Croy getting killed....the gun flying from his hand....a bad cheesburger she'd had that afternoon...the Mockscrub...and the man from the shop! Yes, he was there, he was the one that had killed Von Croy! The old man with the pigtails!  
  
The jackal head cane glinted on the floor. Smiling, she picked it up and tucked it into her belt. Suddenly, a man burst through the door, guns blazing, screaming, "Clean, clean, clear out!"  
  
Lara grabbed the old pistol from under the chair, loaded it, and fired a clean shot through the mans head. He slumped to the floor. "Well, that was easy..."  
  
His cell phone rang, so she answered it, all the while looking at a business card. 'Corral Agencies- We'll Win Your Case or You Get Nothing! Prague, Czech Republic'  
  
"Hello? Did you kill her? Is she dead yet?"  
  
"No, not quite, Leotard. Actually, your man went down fairly easy."  
  
"Oh, he wasn't very good. Just a beginner, I chose him because it's so much more interesting to watch the ones with ADD try to work without their pills."  
  
Lara threw the phone across the room, watched as it landed in the sink, then snatched a pair of car keys off the killer's belt and left the apartment. 


	6. Vasiley, Tasiley, Nasiley, Casiley

A/N- Sorry, guys, but this is a short one....*hugs* Thanks for your support!  
  
Chapter Six: Vasiley, Tasiley, Nasiley, Casiley...  
  
The drive to Prague was hard, since she had to follow speed limit, being a wanted woman and all. But, after hearing about Vasi...um, Ta....well, that art dealer dude's death, on the radio, she'd been sure of her next move: reach a bathroom.  
  
And -then- it was: get the next engraving so that she could find the next Inaspicious Painting.  
  
She parked the black hummer in an archway next to the courtyard where Vasiley's place was, and cringed as most of the traffic trying to get to and from the area smashed into the vehicle. She whistled nonchalantly and hurried away.  
  
Across the way, a man was leaning on his car, staring at a naughty magazine. When Lara approached, he quickly threw it into his car and pretended to be focusing on some photo's of a few people. "Are you a reporter?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"What's your name?"  
  
"Rennick. No, wait! It's Luddick. No, it's-"  
  
"Okay, I'll just call you Rennick. What are you doing?"  
  
"Gathering information for the story about Vasiley's death."  
  
"How did he die?"  
  
Rennick put out a hand and cleared his throat. Sighing, Lara shoved some cash into his palm. "There, that enough?"  
  
"Thank you. As I was saying, Vasiliey caught a really bad cold-"  
  
"No, the real story," Lara said angrily.  
  
"Fine. He was taken out by the mafia."  
  
"Mafia?"  
  
"Yeah! I've got dossiers on all the main players!"  
  
Her face brightened. "Lets see them."  
  
"It'll cost you."  
  
She palmed some more money, then leaned forward to look at his file. "Yuck, you call these dossiers? Do you know who this is?"  
  
"No, all I know is that he arrived from Paris a few days ago."  
  
"That's Louis Leotard, Parisian mafia." She spotted a picture of the pigtail man. "Who's this?"  
  
"That's 'Eckheart'. He's the one I know the least about, but all I know is that where ever he goes, hordes of women are following at his beck and call. I don't know why...maybe it's because he's evil..." Rennick trailed off, a forlorn look on his face. Lara rolled her eyes, then flipped the page.  
  
"Who's this?"  
  
"Joachim Corral. He's a lawyer here in Prague, but he's involved with the rest of these men too. As far as I can tell, he is the right hand man to Eckheart, and heads up all the big fighting operations. Lot's of people spot him at disco clubs, though."  
  
"And this?"  
  
"Kristina Boeing. Scary looking woman. She was in a plane crash, that's where the scars come from. Used to be a swimsuit model, now no one wants her. Just another player, as far as I can tell, working with Eckheart."  
  
"And...who is this portly one?"  
  
"That's Dr. Grant Mule. He works for the pharmaceutical's company, he's botanical expert. Another associate of Eckheart's. Tends to run in the races alot, very disturbing sight."  
  
"And this one? I've seen him before..."  
  
"That's Marten Blunderson. He runs a thing called the 'Agency'. Mercenary's for hire. They also do bodyguard and freelance security, and by rumor, birthday parties."  
  
"Right. Well, I need to find these people. Where did you say they were?"  
  
"The Strahov."  
  
"Can you get me there?"  
  
He put out a hand and pretended to think. "It'll take about a week to get access codes." She shoved some more money into his hand. He grinned. "But if I hurry...half and hour."  
  
"I'll be back then."  
  
Lara ran towards Vasiley's house, but instead of going through the front door, she hopped into the sewer and shut the grate. Just as the lock clicked she realized her mistake. "Damn, stupid force of habit!"  
  
She continued down the sewer until she came to a locked door, but solved the problem by kicking it in. She was surprised to see Leotard, rummaging through a jewelry box. Smiling, she pressed a gun to his neck, then smacked him over the head with it.  
  
When he woke up, she had handcuffed him to a radiator, and was sitting on a shelf. "So, Leotard, what brings you to Prague?"  
  
"N-nothing."  
  
"Why did you try to kill me in Paris?"  
  
"You were a loose end! Eckheart wanted you dead...uh...I shouldn't have said that."  
  
"Why are you working with Eckheart?"  
  
"He's the one that's been killing my men and injured Ahnald with the Hershey's chocolate makers! Not only that, he's the Mockscrub!"  
  
"The Mockscrub! Well...none of that really answers my question. Why did you work with him?"  
  
"He was threatening my family. What was I supposed to do? Dance like a chicken and kick him in the mommy-daddy button?"  
  
"Well, it couldn't have hurt...I have no time for this! I have to go find...er...that 'thing' I wanted."  
  
"You leaving me here?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"But...but...what about...the rats?"  
  
She shrugged. "They won't be getting much of a meal if they decide to chew on you."  
  
*~*~*  
  
When Lara returned from Vasiley's office with the engraving, she was surprised to find Leotard gone. Angrily, she scoured the place, until she came to a door that read 'Don't Look In Here'. Needless to say, she opened it anyway.  
  
Leotard tumbled out, a tinfoil cap embedded in his back. He fell to the ground, dead. "What the hell is going on here?" she yelled in frustration. An echo replied, "I don't know..."  
  
Grabbing the keys off his body, she exited through the backdoor of Vasiley's, and saw Rennick over by a streetlight. He was grinning widely.  
  
"I've got the passcodes and this for you," he said, handing her a pistol. "Now, lets get going. I drive you." 


	7. Mules Like Coconuts

A/N- Glad everyone is enjoying it! This may not be as funny as the others...at least up until Kurtis. And eventually I re-post this with a whole Bio-Dome thing, but for now, enjoy! ^^  
  
Chapter Seven: Mules Like Coconuts  
  
Rennick's vehicle of choice was a large purple chevrolet, pink fur lined, bouncing along the road by it's front. Lara gripped her seat and prayed for the moment they reached the Strahov so that she could be rid of this bouncing hell.  
  
Finally they did reach it, and she was practically thrown from the car. "I'll be back later," Rennick called to her as he bounced away. She shook her head dizzily, then got up and keyed in the passcodes to the warehouse.  
  
*~*~*  
  
After getting through the warehouse area, and seeing a rather grisly death for Rennick, Lara found a greenhouse. She sighed and dunked her head in the fountain, glad for a slight rest. It was short lived, however, when a man tried to water her posterior, mistaking it for a large bush.  
  
"Hey!" she exclaimed, rising out of the water. He jumped in surprise.  
  
"Who are you?!"  
  
"What are you doing?" she asked him. He regained his posture and set down the watering can.  
  
"I mistook your behind for a bush."  
  
Lara stared at him as if he'd grown two heads, then regained her own composure and smiled. "Who are you?"  
  
"I'm Dr. Grant Mule, five time runner in the Prague marathon," he said proudly, "and this is my greenhouse."  
  
"Mule! Your working with Eckheart!"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I can't believe this. Why would you work with a madman like him?"  
  
"Because he has promised immortality to those who believe."  
  
She snorted. "If I had a coconut for everytime some lunatic said that..."  
  
He rubbed his stomach hungrily and licked his lips. "Coconut."  
  
Lara edged away slowly. "So what are you doing in here?"  
  
"Keeping my animals in their cages and well fed."  
  
"Ah yes, don't want any abominations running loose, now do we?"  
  
Mule looked around nervously, then sprayed her in the face with some plant poison. She coughed and wiped her eyes, and when she looked up again, he was gone.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Eckheart stood by the railing in the greenhouse, his knuckles turning white because he was gripping the metal so hard. "You what?" he asked Boeing. She swallowed nervously.  
  
"I couldn't kill the Proto. I needed your shard, she's part Nephilim!"  
  
"Boeing, you have failed me again." He turned to Blunderson, who nodded back and flicked a switch. Corral watched gleefully as Eckheart held Boeing high in the air and then threw her into the plant pod. She screamed and writhed as the thing absorbed her. Blunderson flicked a switch again, and it rose back to the roof.  
  
Corral clapped his hands. "Goody, I always love an execution!"  
  
"Corral, shut up. Blunderson, dispatch a team to protect us from the Proto."  
  
"Of course sir." He batted his eyelashes and sighed. "Right away."  
  
"Good." Eckheart patted him on the shoulder, then walked away, muttering about the 'damn purple glow that looked dangerous'.  
  
*~*~*  
  
The steeltoe boots on her feet clinked on the ground as Lara ran along the walkway over the poison gas. She'd seen what Eckheart had done to his worker, and was even more thoroughly convinced that he was the Mockscrub and the man that had killed Von Croy.  
  
She smiled and walked along, a hop in her step. Ah yes, she was feeling pretty good about herself at the moment. Pressing a large yellow button, she strolled inside, and heard the doors snap shut. Surprised, she turned back around.  
  
Outside the doors, the man from the Loove had his head tilted to one side, and was dumbly staring at her posterior. She waved a hand, making him snap awake.  
  
"You really have made a mess of things, haven't you?" he said.  
  
"Who for? The stalker who stole my painting! What do you need with the painting?"  
  
"Maybe I'll explain later, Miss Croft, but for now I need to go and turn the power back on."  
  
"Leaving me here?"  
  
"You've caused enough trouble as it is. Safer for everyone if you stay in one place for awhile."  
  
"And this?" she asked, slamming the kitchen knife she'd picked up against the pane of glass. His eyes widened.  
  
"My Pampered Chef Shard! You-"  
  
"Picked it up at the Loove, yes. After you stole my painting."  
  
He narrowed his eyes. "All of this can wait. I know where you'll be."  
  
He backed away, but halted for a second. His shirt was caught in between the doors. "Um...could you..."  
  
"Oh, yes, sorry," she said, flicking a button to open the door. He pulled his shirt out, then quickly closed the doors again. "Right then...um...bye."  
  
"Yeah...uh, be...right back," he said, walking away akwardly. 


	8. Ah! The Queen!

A/N- Perhaps not the funniest chapter (I give that title to the Ghetto chap). Don't get me wrong with this chap- Queen Latifah is my fav. actress...she was the first image that came to my head when the Turkish man said 'The Black Angel'. But...if someone has qualms with using an actress, tell me calmly and I'll change it. Thank 'ee kindly, and feedback is always appreciated.  
  
Chapter Eight: Ah! The Queen!  
  
Kurtis Trent opened the main door to the Sanitarium, stepped through, and swore as the door slammed shut behind him, catching his heel.  
  
It was ever since he'd turned 12, that he'd been a klutz. His poor father, Konstantin, had tried to teach him how to use the Chirufly, but to no avail. The boy couldn't even catch the thing, let alone use it. And then, it hadn't helped, when a few years ago he'd broken that huge, record- breaking mirror the Australians had made. Not only was it 'bad luck', he wasn't allowed in Australia every again.  
  
Yes, fate had dealt him a hard hand. 'But not this time,' he reasoned. 'I'm gonna get my mission done properly for once this time, and then maybe I'll even get the girl.'  
  
Lost in thought, he didn't notice the bar sticking out in front of him until he was clotheslined and hit the ground. Then a mutant stopped beside him, so when he stood up, he hit that as well. Quickly shooting a round into the things head to vent his anger, he rushed into a room and shut the door. Sighing, he turned.  
  
"Holy shit!" he cried, startled beyond words. A mutant sat on the bed in the corner, head in hands (or what looked like hands). Calmed down, Kurtis walked forwards and leaned on the wall . "Hey, take it easy," he said in an effort to appear 'cool'. "What's going on down here?"  
  
"Proto's on the loose! Black angel's gonna kill us!"  
  
"Black angel? Queen Latifah's here?!"  
  
"The screamer, the Proto! Ahhhh!" He cowered again into his hands.  
  
"Were you fed to that...um, to her?"  
  
"Fed to it, yes. But not me. I'm safe here."  
  
"How did you get here?"  
  
"I didn't sign up for this, not devils and shadows! I'm just a truck driver!"  
  
"What? You drove here?"  
  
"Five days on the road from Turkey. Long way, long way."  
  
"What did you bring? What were you carrying?"  
  
"Death, in five tons of stone, four of which had nothing to do with the rock." He pulled a little bottle of liquor from under his pillow and struggled to pull off the cap. When he couldn't, since he had no fingers, he screamed in annoyance. Kurtis slipped the cap off for him.  
  
"Right. Just keep the door locked," Kurtis said, heading back out.  
  
"Wait, the door, it's still-"  
  
Kurtis hit the metal and fell to the ground.  
  
"-closed."  
  
He twitched once. "I knew that."  
  
*~*~*  
  
Kurtis quickly found the place the Proto was heading; all he had to do was follow the black lingo, random screams, and array of bad outfits. But the room he reached was definately not what he was expecting; it was the power room, the room he'd been looking for all along.  
  
Suddenly he heard a loud, "Shazzaam!" from behind, and turned, only to see the Black Angel, Queen Latifah, decending the stairs. In a hurry, he lowered the door and turned to go. A bang hit it, and then it collapsed all together. "Can't lock me out that easy, honey."  
  
"No! Ahh!" He turned and tried to run for the power switch, but she dived and landed on top of him. "Get off, get off!" he shrieked, pulling out his Pampered Chef Shard. She skitted back when she saw it.  
  
"Now, honey, you wouldn't use that sharp little kitchen knife on poor queenie, wouldja? All I wanted to do was touch those soft little pillows of heaven you call lips!"  
  
"Never!" he cried, thrusting forwards and stabbing her in the head with the shard. She fell to the ground, whimpered, and deflated into a pile of goo. Kurtis removed his shard and grimaced, then went to turn the power off.  
  
After flicking the switch, he was promptly electrocuted. 


	9. Oh, Goody!

This one is very short...hehe.  
  
Chapter Nine: Oh Goody!  
  
Lara finished her third cat's cradle game, then heard the click-click- clicking of shoes on metal. She quickly climbed up the wall and held on.  
  
Soon, the man appeared through the door, gun held out. He looked around for her, and was thoroughly surprised when she dropped down from aboved and kicked his gun away. He closed his eyes and backed away, tripped over his just-lost gun, and saw her shoot a mutant where his head would have been.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"Glad you came back to save me, stranger," she said, lowering her gun.  
  
"The names Kurtis," he replied, putting out his hand for her to shake. She looked at it, at him, then wiped her hand with a disinfectant cloth and grabbed it.  
  
"Lara. And this is business."  
  
She threw him against the wall and wrapped both arms around his chest, feeling him up and down. Kurtis waited as she pulled off his frisbee, the Chirufly. "I owe you one."  
  
"You owe me a painting."  
  
"Sorry. That went AWOL at the Loove."  
  
"I could tell," she replied, backing away and training her gun on him once again.  
  
"Eckheart plans to use all five-" Kurtis began, but hit his head on a metal bar above. "Ah, f**k!"  
  
"I know, he plans to use them to awaken a sleeper, yaddah yaddah, though I don't see why he hasn't tried a glass of cold water."  
  
Kurtis rubbed his head in pain. "No, he plans to awaken 'THE' Sleeper, the Cubiculum Nephili. And rebreed the Nephilim race. To do that he needs the five paintings and the symbols contained within them. He collects alchemically-transmuted elements from his murder victims bodies to keep himself alive."  
  
"I've seen him at work. With that glove."  
  
"Eckheart is the original Black Alchemist. The only thing that can kill him is our Pampered Chef Shards."  
  
"Here," she said, tossing him the kitchen knife. "How can they be used to kill Eckheart?"  
  
"He must be stabbed with all three shards. Eckheart guards the third shard in his old alchemy lab in the lower regions."  
  
"We should work together."  
  
"Your trusting me?"  
  
"Well, what do you want me to do? Tie you to a wall and make you call me master?"  
  
He stayed silent a little to long, leading Lara to believe that he was pondering the question, and she instead started talking again. "You need the third shard, so you should go after that. I'll find and destroy the last painting. The engraving shows the entrance is under water." She turned her head to his and they hit each other.  
  
"No problem," she gasped, rubbing her head furiously.  
  
*~*~*  
  
"So, there isn't a danger that she'll destroy the last painting, the one of you?"  
  
"We won't allow her the opportunity." Eckheart leaned on the table and popped one of the bite-size cheese pieces into his mouth. "The male will be coming this way soon." He turned to Corral. "Make the preparations. The fifth painting is mine already. And then...hehehe."  
  
Corral grinned, ate a few more cheeses, then left the room with a hop in his step, mumbling, "Goody, goody, I do love executions!"  
  
*~*~*  
  
The tomb down below the Strahov was huge. It housed every wonder of a frat house; foozball tables, bookshelves filled with books no one reads, and the dead guy in the chair...  
  
Lara found the last painting quickly and could do nothing but marvel at the furious game of foozball the skeletons were having. "Doing good, boys, doing good."  
  
"Thanks!" they exclaimed, too focused on their game to noticed anything else. She strolled out of the room, whistling in happiness.  
  
That happiness would be shortlived, however. 


End file.
